Monday, July 13, 2015

Im no laughing matter

3 times a day I take my handful (and yes i mean handful) of medications. I dont want to. I hate, even DESPISE it, And want nothing more to throw them out the window and say FUCK IT.
Once a week I visit a doctors office, whether it be the psychiatrist, or my GP, and I have another program laid out for me starting next week.. because its so enjoyable to spend so much time with doctors.
Every second, of everyday, I am giving as much effort, my best effort, to make it through the moment that I am living in, because I cant live for any moment other than that due to overwhelming and crippling mental and physical disabilities.
Your asking me to change who I am to become someone you want me to be knowing full well that I can not and will not do that , and all I ask is that you take 1 pill everyday. Yet there it sits on your shelf mocking me and making a joke out of me everyday. If I bring it up, you get mad and tell me to mind my own fucking business.
I can not leave because I have no where to go and I cant pay for myself to go.
I can not leave because I am not yet ready to give up, even though my mind is almost most assuredly made up that we will not make it through this.
I can not leave because I do not know how.
You make me feel like I am this way by  choice. By laughing at me when I have to use the scooters at Walmart of in other stores. So I try to walk even though it feels like I am dying every time I take a step, and we end up being somewhere for an hour longer than we should have been because I am too slow.
You tell me to smile and think that I should just always be happy simply being I am with you, yet you dont seem to understand that it literally exhausts me to smile and continue to smile, especially just because you want me too.
Lately it only seems that we are okay when we are in the middle of a lake in the boat. And even then, you expect me to come home and cook and clean and be a perfect house wife.Which I am not. and NEVER will be. disability or no disability. work or no work. Im not a fucking housewife.

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