Saturday, July 4, 2015

Aunty Karah who?..

Today I had a really hard moment and it hit me profoundly as it usually does in regards to the topic of my family.
 My sister in law is in town with my niece and nephew for a dance competition, and we made plans to meet up at the beach. And I stood beside my 7 year old nephew for a full 5 minutes of him not recognizing me before I finally turned to him and asked where his mom was, without saying who I was.
I know that the other kids don't see me or know who I am because of the  (can i just say super shitty) "parental decisions" made on their behalf and that hurts me just as much as this does, but these 2 kids I don't get to see due to distance and it hurts. IT hurts that my nephew knew dad had brothers but didn't know he had a sister, it hurts that I am the unknown aunty because i moved to another province. And I wonder if they see pictures of me every and have their parents say to them "this is your aunty Karah, you don't see her but she gets to see pictures of you all the time and always sends her love."
I'm not sure how much people know how it hurts me when my own nieces and nephews have no idea who I am and could not recognize me if I was standing right beside them. Or have no idea that they have an Aunty Karah, who loves them more than anything in the whole world and is always sorry that she never gets to see them except in pictures.
I know that I'm the mental patient of the family and that I had to move away because I was causing too many problems for everybody and that it was for all parties involved, the best choice that I could make.. but I dont think people realize just how hard it was for me to make that choice to do what I did. Or they just dont care.
This nephew at 6 months old I fell in love with even though he broke my nose with a simple head butt, and I was able to get out often to see him in the first 2 1/2 years of his life until i moved away, and it always brought me such joy that he always recognized who I was.
Now im finding that this distance between myself and home is growing larger and larger even though the distance is staying the same and I am wondering if it s worth it or not. Worth it to feel this lonely and this full of grief all the time, or just worth it to have your own nieces and nephews ,blood related AND honorary, not recognize you.
I may have brought it upon myself, but it doesnt break my heart any less knowing that.

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